Don't be confused my dear, this is you and only you, and you have nothing to worry about. Teh soul searching is kind of a little side project I'm doing within my own mind, it's nothing to be concerned with, it'll work out just fine in the end, trust me. Breath in what others say and listen to what they do and from that I will learn and cherish within myself, a perfection and hale love, that is true and fathomable. There it is, that is how it will be, incredible, immaculate, and you will love me more for it.

.....hiding one's feeling's isn't quite what I had in mind, it's more of a distracting from the kinds of feeling that aren't necessarily healthy, I'm sure you know what it is that I'm talking about, if not, ask an I'll tell you. I've made too many mistakes comcerning love and the ideas of love and everything having to do with infatuation and that other mess, so I'm taking this opportunity to finally live and learn, I'm not gonna assume what it is by definition, or what is supposed to happen therein, I'm simply going to let it do whatever it's supposed to do, whatever that might be. Too many times have I taken the liberty of defining for myself (and others) what is "supposed" to happen, this time it wil be alot different, I go into this realizing that fairy tale fantasy love is just that, fairy-tale; I won't be able to sit back and it all fall into place, I must direct it, guide it, and possibly create it in itself (if you can imagine that) But for now, I'll call it love, or at least, I'm in love.

Sorry sweetie, I missed you the last couple of days, but not to worry I'm back on earth. recently I venture to the other side of town to relate to my hombre and close business partner to settle out some interesting and overwhelmingly unneccesary topics, but that's okay. I'm not mad you, I agree that it's wrong, but I don't think that it was your place. Love, what a wonderful topic to have to understand, I personally have given up on understanding it and I try to just go with the flow...you know? Speacking of love, I haven't had the oppurtunity to spend any time with my sweetheart and I'm really really jones'in' but patience is a virtue, not one that I seem to flourish in (to say the least) so maybe I should work on that one. Today I was sitting in the living room watching TV (by the way, Tomb Raider : The Cradle Of Life, is the stupidest fucking movie in the entire world) and all I could think about was Britt, I'm still tryin to decipher exactly what this one is, time can only tell, so we .......Go with the flow...you know? Ya mon, iz gooood!!!


Song Of The Month (November) - Deathcab for Cutie - We Looked Like Giants (Kickass Song (Kickass CD))

So I told my om, but as far as she knows we just messed around, specifics weren't mentioned. The crappy part is that I can't remeber for shit, I have like 4 or 5 2 seconds tidbits of the evening, but I do't remeber much. That and I can't remember how the lighting went, like, I know that I could see , but I don't remember the light being on or anything.so yah, today was kinda crappy, but happy birthday me, and now for a dinner that isn't too exciting but I'll act like it for my parents sake..


Song of the Day - Justin Timberlake - Love don't love me (it's on the Bad Boys 2 soundtrack)

My parent's and I just discussed us redoing my closet, I don't think that I've have ever heard them make anything so simple seem so complicated......mmk, well your an abomination to God, your entire premise for belief is, in itself, the single stupidest thing I have ever been previed to, it kinda disgusts me actually, but what am I gonna do, ALANON says to let the addicted fall captive to their addiction and then, and only then, are you to help them back up. I'm done trying I'm done crying I'm done waiting. She's in god's hands now, and once again I'm sorry. It's been awhile since I've don'e one of these blog things, so I kinda forgot how this works...me and steve-o go to play a lotta music today, went to woodland, that was cool, today turned out to be one of the better days (better ways, TeeHee). Turns out that I've come to the realization that the lyrics for 5 of 4 really suck ass, so it's been concluded that I am to take random tidbit of different poetry to mash it together into a big huge conglomerate mess that suckerpunches the mind into another state of thinking, maybe even religion. so there's school in the morning and I'm supposed to see all my favorite people all over again, yay defenstartion. I saw one of the geatest quotes today, if you would like to see it read on, if not you should skip and look at the song of the day Quote: " The bird the sweetest sings can least endure the storm" - Maria Brooks

Song of the day - Seal - Love's Divine

yup, in the mornin I shall be off for camp, I'm praying to God that I don't screw something up. And as always, Buh bye

I return home from jenna's house to discover an anterage (sp?) of backfire material from my excursion on the side of falsehood. Now I'm stuck with a mess that I must clean up carefully, considering that trust isn't my greatest thing. It wasn't suppsed to turn out this way

Been a while, Here we go: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, ain't that the fuckin' truth, but it's interesting to notice how it applies to other aspects of a person, like grace. You ensnare in promised lies, my feeble decisions making skills, I just wasn't strong enough o tolerate and few more moments in order to aprreciate the exact reality. In the end the aforementioned swallowing of pride was not exactly the greatest of ideas, and yet we're are here back at square one, an easy place to be at for most but a horrible reality for me to face. Se La Vid, I can only try to make this a life lesson and move on as such.



Song: Ra - Violator

This weekend was one of the most fun times I have had in a long time, yup. oh god my voice is so fucked...too much singing and then on top of it I decided it was time to scream today, Gargantuan ended up sounding like shit...the only time we actually play in front of more than just natalie, I fuck it up. The mood of the day seems to be growing worse and worse, I get this feeling that I want to just sit and cry and cry and cry.....but I can't seem to figure out why. I just feel like there's no security in anything that I do and I'm just kinda out there, but crying would probably be kinda futile since it doesn't change anything.


Song: Cold - End Of The World

I'm so Fucking fickle.....It's disgusting!!!

Well I swallow my pride, my fear, and entrust my heart to another, of course history tends to reapeat itself so 've kinda braced myself for my punch in the face. It's kinda like when you have yourself falling over but don't brace yourself or stop yourself, just fall. so here I am body tensed waiting for my ass kicking.


song: FooFighter - Everlong

Blitzkrieg - A drive by shooting of massive proportions......right so today was quite typical, but Jenna keeps asking me to be her friends and to be nice to her, I'm not being mean i just not bothering with the idea. So ya, I had a bunch of shit due in english today to which I turned in none of it, not to many's surprise. I have to this notion in my mind not to go for what I want because I'm expecting it to get thrown into my face. This deal with ashley is only causing me to fall even farther into love with her, but there's a notion in my head that makes simpy think that I'm not gonna be in this situation for long so I'm waiting for it to end, I will not allow myself to get hurt so I'm not going to give my heart to anyone who might obliterate it in their palm, hence I will not allow myself to bcome vulmerable for anyone. in case you were wondering why me and ashley aren't "together."


Song: The Dismemberment Plan - Time Bomb

well today we find out that Stephen's booked us a show, FINALLY, an orsinger show...not the greatest thing in the world but it's a show we need to start somewhere to get some sorta fanbase. (Castle Hills just isn't big enough) Only problem is that have a chior trip ad competition in dallas that day. I'm supposed to do in English regarding friendship...FRUITCAKE PROJECT!!!!! That's was kinda off subject. I have so much to say but not enough liberty to say it all...like hiroshima , but not


Song: Bobby Caldwell - Jamaica (awesome song)

I'm loving life, not necessarily because everything is falling into place but I'm free to do pretty much whatever I want, also I get to now bitch out jenna without getting in trouble, not that I want to bitch her out, simply that I don't like to have to hold my tongue when she asks questions like, " Am I a slut?"........uh can we fit a spaceship inside you, yes, I think your a slut. Nevertheless, today we saw some of the stupidest renditions of middle school short stories turned into plays, twas quite the retarded occasion, but it's okay cause I got some naptime in. Well that's really all I have to say. oh ya, I got a new part for addicted today....BAD ASS!!!


Song: Incubus - The Warmth

As this, another, day passed by it only seems as menotinuos as the last was and the next will be. This day was interesting from the extremely annoying pestering of what was wrong with from way too many people, esp. Jenna (holy shit she rubs me wrong!!!) But the sermon was again boring ...he said " Iraqians" what the fuck? has someone not been watching the news or at least graduated basic geography. Today we discussed what hors douevres (sp?) we to be served at Nat's thingy and she went of on how there isn't gonna be any drinking. I dunno I have top disagree but anyways, we played music at church where all of it sucked except for lido, but that's what's important.



Song: Alien Ant Farm - Summer ( or as my computer says it " ANTology", I don't think that's the name of the song as well as the album)

I'm beginning to completely understand the title of my blog, if you look at the decisions that I make and the types of things that I do it's evident that the type od idiocy the I deal with will literally bring you to your knees, I don't mean that as an inuendo or to yor knees weeping but like a swift baton strike to the back of the knees. It fuckin sucks. I can note this here that I'm hopelessly an idiot and there's really nothing I can do about it, so I'll stick to my music and my cooking, because as you have noticed as I'm pertaining to woman I'm only hurting them and not doing much for myself either. Getting them into brawls with each other and then brawls with me and it's just not worth it cause evidentally there not getting anything otu of it and I know I sure as hell am not. Those of you whom talk to me, don't be surprised if I'm not the most joyous person or the most polite, it's nothing against you personally I'm just failing to care about just about everything right now. If you want to ask what's wrong, control the urge. Talked to sean today to get some kinda of type of encouragement and advice on what to do about my pathetic thing for Ashley, hope it's helpful. None the less this day seems to go on forever, my mom asked me if I was on drugs today, so I laughed in her face, it was great.


Song: Limp Bizkit - Sour

Today turned to be an okay day, there we're it's wonderful highlight and it horrible comtouring effects. the day started out well when I got to sleep till five minutes before I left, but it was okay because I had already taken a shower so all I needed to do is put clothes on and go to school. This morning I was delighted to see Ashley between 1sy and 2nd period, and surprisingly enough, I looked at her and smiled and she waved. (you know that feeling most 7th grade girls get when the person they really like says the words "hi" or "What's up" well that feeling showed up it was nice for the next 2 periods. Anyway, then we had this speaker come that was one of the most boring people I have evr had to waste my ears on, he talked on something importantfor about ten minutes and then found different ways to ramble on for about another hour. Meanwhile me and Jenna we're discussing my recent weekend encouters with stupidity (I've come to realize it was one of the most stupid decisions of my life). Well she seemed pretty upset about it and proceeded to repremand me, to which I expectedly turned my head and every once in a while gave some kind of conterfiet signal that I was paying some kind of attention. Every so often fucking up and saying the wrong thing, "so what do you think you should do?"...."yes!!" those kinds of answers, ah well. Then from there I went to lunch and that was dandy as usual, but then I went to bible fell asleep in my palm, my elbow, which was supporting my arm and palm and head, decided it was time to slide off of the desk, and so it did abrubtly waking me up. Fortunately there was only 5 minutes left in class so I didn't have to force myself back to sleep.Chior went oddly, Jenna was in a bad mood and natalie has been going through some of the most interesting mood swings I have ever seen. From there school had ended and I found this toy, looked a lot like a pipe, but in fact it was a little man on a scooter that lights up, I looked at the inside of it and saw that it had those little fiber optic strings in it, I wanted to get them out but it had some screws so I proceeded to try to pry it open with my fingers only to fail so I diverted my atttention to other things only to retuen it right back to that arduous task to get the fibers out of the toy. So I threw it to the concrete as hard as I could and then it broke open and I was able to retrieve the fibers within it, I played with them for a while but then discarded them and moved on to something else. I looked at the situation as I was driving home in the car and noticed that this was how I approached most things in my life, Iknow what it is that I want and I see it but I lack the tools necessary to retreive what it is that I want so I try my hardest by simple methods to get it all the while being distracted by other things, eventually I just get frustrated and "throw it to the ground" and destroy to get what I wanted but becoming disinterested in what it is after a short time, in the the meanwhile I've destroyed what I could rebuilt and have then also found what it was that I really wanted, a whole and it's parts together...but I already fucked it up......I'm sorry Ashley ...I'm working on my destructive tendacies


Song : Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

I can't look at today and think that there's has benn nothing going one, in my mind though it feels that way, at this point everything feels like a dream, and not necessarily a good on. Do you ever have those times when you feel like you can do anything you want, it's not like your oblivious to the reprocutions, no, you know full well what they are you just fail to give a shit about it. At this point this is how I feel, careless...not carefree, careless (Some may be able to confuse those 2 very easily). This day seems to be filled with confusion....when there's an occurence that one might want to keep secret, it might be a good idea to agree with all knowing parties exactly what will be disclosed because otherwise there's confusing factor amidst the entire situation. Running through the perpetually gaping holes in my minds exist the infathomable idea that I might within the next 2 months be able to capture what it is that I long for most, the common sense factor in my brain tells me otherwise. But on this imaginary notion I shall endure and pursue my hearts longings (cross yor fingers, or don't if you don't give a shit). Today for dinner I couldn't find anything to make, so we concoct some sort of something, I found some alfredo and some eggnoodles, then some portabellos and some sausage. The sause was too cheesy and thick so I added milk to dilute it...but of course I added too much milk so now the consistency was perfect but the sauce wasn't cheesy enough, so what do you add for a cheesy flavor......FETUS, no I'm just kidding you add cheese silly!! So I added the cheese and a shitload of pepper and the concoction turned out pretty damn good I was surprised an proud of myself.



Song : Pedro The Lion - Magazine

I can't stand this, I want her and she's is intended to be mine, and there's nothing else that I want in the world. there's a radiance about her face, and a specific tone in her giggle that causes all things glorious and heavenly to pale in comparison...as said once before,,.a sparkle that could light up the moon, and a smille that causes all pain to fade

3/22
This blog thing is pissing me off cause it's notworking right...I'll say more tommorrow

Song: The Immaculate Musical Conception - 5 of 4